What causes a teenage girl to make one inch cuts on her legs? What drives a teenage boy to take every sleeping pill in the house, attempting to take his own life? What makes a young girl pull her hair out in chunks, leaving bald patches on her scalp?

The difficult and painful answer is that they feel invisible. They don’t feel valued or seen. So they become invisible in the places where they should be the most valued.

“I See You”—An Innate Desire The highest grossing movie of all time, Avatar, had a recurring line that was repeated by the main characters that were a part of the primitive culture depicted in the movie. That line was “I see you.” It meant much more, of course, than just physical sight. It had to do with seeing into the soul of a person, noticing who they are and how they are growing, and most importantly, that they were a part of the community. One of the reasons the movie connected with so many people is because it captured the innate human desire to be known and valued. We all want to be seen. We all want to be valued.

The lack of recognition of intrinsic value is the most consistent factor in teenagers and children struggling with any kind of self-harm.

“Look at Me”—A Fundamental Request When someone doesn’t feel that they are seen and valued, self-harm (cutting, suicide attempts, etc.) is a way to communicate something physically that they can’t communicate verbally. It’s a way for them to say, “Look at me! Care about me!” to their family and the people around them. Unfortunately, for many teens and children that struggle with self-harm, they feel like it is the only way that they can communicate these things.

How many times does a toddler say, “Watch this!” as they jump or run or do a somersault? Sometimes it feels like a hundred times a day. As children develop, they don’t verbalize the “look at me” request the same way they did when they were 2 years old, but the fundamental request is still there. “Look at me. Care about what I’m doing. Care about what I think about things.” This is a fundamental request that exists inside every human being.

And when that request goes unanswered, when teenagers and children feel unseen, unvalued, or ignored, they will go to extreme lengths to get the attention of those around them.

A Seat at the Table A young girl and her parents came in for counseling. The young girl was incredibly anxious and had begun hurting herself. After several sessions with them, the girl shared that at dinner time, the rest of the family sat at the kitchen table while she was made to eat at the kitchen counter. She looked at her parents and said, “I want ... a seat ... at the table!” That nightly experience had become the symbol for her reality—she felt excluded and unvalued by her family.

Isn’t that what we all want? We want a seat at the table. We want to be seen and valued for who we are. We need that fundamental request, “look at me!” to be answered by those that we’re closest to...and have them say, “I see you.”

If you or someone you know is dealing with cutting, suicide attempts or suicidal thoughts, or other forms of self-harm, we can help. Contact us to make an appointment.