Since 1990, adoption has been an ever-present and sometimes hot topic in both the western media and the Christian community, especially international adoption. Celebrities have been in on the action, with high-profile people adopting children from countries like China, Ethiopia, Russia, and South Korea. Parents spend years and thousands of dollars to adopt children who desperately need a home. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Good Intentions Gone Bad As you probably guess, adoption carries with it a unique set of challenges for parents and families. How do we show this new member of our family that they are loved? That they are valued? Most adoptive parents, during the years that they are preparing, waiting, and jumping through hoops, consume loads of information about the country where their child was born. Filled with the best of intentions, parents believe that educating their adopted child about their country of origin will help them to develop a strong identity and will communicate that the adopted child is loved and valued.

The problem, however, is that a sense of belonging and value does not just come from our country of origin. Actually, by over-accentuating the adopted child’s country of origin, parents can possibly be sending the exact opposite of the message they intend. With their actions, they constantly remind the child, “You’re not like us. You weren’t born here.” And so the best of intentions can actually serve to intensify the attachment issues the child will already be experiencing.

Because even when an adoptive family doesn’t go overboard with the country of origin stuff, an adopted child (especially a child adopted from another country that doesn’t look like his or her adoptive family) will always have attachment issues.

Attachment and Why it Matters Attachment is the basic human need that all of us have to understand how we fit in the world. Where do I fit? Where do I belong? Why is my life the way it is? Family is the fundamental place that these attachment questions are answered. And for an adopted child, they are confronted with consistent reminders that they don’t fit with their adoptive family.

This leads to a deep, internal sense for the adopted child that he or she doesn’t belong. The adoptive family can be a perfect family (even though no family is perfect), filled with unconditional love and acceptance (even though no family does that perfectly)... and an adopted child will still struggle with a sense of belonging. Usually, the child can’t express this in words, so it comes out in behavior—tantrums (in very young children), anger, resentment, depression, isolation, and other destructive behaviors.

Fixing Attachment Issues in Adopted Children So what’s the cure? If you’re an adoptive parent, how can you fix this?

This is the most important thing for you to know about raising your adopted child: there is no fix. To some degree, your child will always struggle with these feelings, much like an alcoholic will always struggle with alcohol.

The answer is not to “fix it,” but to understand it, accept it, and learn to identify the signs of attachment issues in your child at each stage of development. (Key attachment markers are usually between ages 9-11 and 15-17.) Then, you won’t be surprised when they experience anger they can’t control and don’t understand themselves. You’ll be able to tell them that they are loved, to remind them that they are valued for exactly who they are ... and that you’re glad they are a part of your family.

If you or your family are struggling with these kinds of issues, we’d love to help. Contact us to set up an appointment to better understand the issues that come along with adoption.

(Check out adoption.state.gov for more detailed statistics about international adoption in the U.S.)